This is only a test...

[Miral]

And before you read this I warn you it is short

Untitled: As of Yet heh

The city was quiet. Still dark. And, yet, dawn was fast approaching. Edward could feel it. Could almost hear it's approach. He hurriedly closed the shutters, his hands shaking slightly. And, almost ritualistically, he closed the windows, bolted them and then pulled the heavy curtains closed. He held the curtains closed; his fist tight. He leaned foreward slightly and sighed. His guest cleared his throat behind him and he jumped slightly.

"Dear boy. Why are you going through all that trouble?" Alaric's voice was husky. It rang through the room. He steepled his fingers under his immaculately shaved goatee. His thick eyebrows arched slightly over his twinkling amber eyes. Truly beautiful men were a rarity and even Edward had to admit that this man was striking.

"You have forgotten, sire, that you did not pass on certain powers." He ran his hands through his thick black hair. Alaric grazed a fingernail over his chin and grinned.

"Ah, yes, but I can't pick and choose what I pass on. You're other gifts are more important." Edward glanced sideways at Alaric. Alaric fanned his hand at him as if to make him forget. "Nevermind, childe, continue with what you wanted to tell me." He leaned back into the chair and closed his eyes to concentrate on what Edward had to say.

"An acquaintance of yours threatened my life!" Edward leaned foreward in his chair.

Alaric's eyes blazed at him, "Your unlife, dammit! You are not fucking mortal!" Alaric rose from his chair in one graceful movement. "I meant why did he threaten you!" His voice had risen and his face contorted in anger. "I am trying to understand this, but you keep flitting around and complaining. you're slowly pissing me off."

"Sire, I am not trying to, but I can't help this feeling that I'm being watched." Alaric glared at him for a second.

"Did he tell you what it was that he wanted?" Alaric rested a perfectly manicured hand on Edward's shoulder.

"Something about a canopy?" Alaric's eyes widened.

"Canopy? That's what he asked for?" He shook his head and stepped over to the wet bar. He stood there mixing drinks, but suddenly he raised his head. "Canopic jar!" He whirled around and faced Edward. "He asked for a canopic jar, didn't he?!"

Edward nodded.

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Ok, there's a lot missing...a sort of epilogue to introduce the stuff and of course the rest of the story...just let me know what problems there are and I can fix them, and if you have any suggestions with anything let me know

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~There are a great many people in the country today who, through no fault of their own, are sane.~
~Is that my hand in your pocket or am I just happy to see you?~
~You want me to dress up as Wonderwoman, tie you up in my golden lariat and make you tell the truth, don't you?~

[Branflakes]

Good start, Miral. I'll have to read it a few more times to give you some suggestions. I'll comment further later.

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Branflakes, the ninja lesbian milk getter.
The one Necro calls "brain".
Call me what you want, just don't call me Blue Falcon. Wait! Nevermind! Just call me!
Your smell floats in my memory, long after you've gone.
"You don't go for that male stuff, do you, Butch?"

[jones]

Miral,

don't really know enough about the story yet to comment, but it's got my interest. as for the narrative style, just reading it once i don't see any problems. no clunkers or confusing points. moves steadily.

the characters are good too. you've managed to give us two definite personalities in just a few lines. nice.

take care

---jones

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"self-employed"
new chapters in Works & Days
a punk rock romance in words, music & art
http://www.freehomepages.com/worksanddays

[Miral]

I'm working on the epilogue and the beginning of the conversation. So there might be something posted tonight I'll have to see what kind of time I have.
These characters are old one that keep appearing in my stories and stuff. You probably can see their distinct personalities because I can feel them. They are almost real to me, so that probably helps a lot.
Your comments are really appreciated, I love to share my stuff with people because I love to read everyone else'd dtuff heh that's it for now
now I just need to learn where the s is on the keyboard hehehehehe else'd dtuff...hehehehe
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~There are a great many people in the country today who, through no fault of their own, are sane.~
~Is that my hand in your pocket or am I just happy to see you?~
~You want me to dress up as Wonderwoman, tie you up in my golden lariat and make you tell the truth, don't you?~

[This message has been edited by Miral (edited April 05, 2000).]

[Dano]

Cool. I also get a really strong sense of individuality from each character. More!

[AsIs]

Miral, great start and strong characters. I like the plot that you have developing as well.

[Miral]

Epilogue: (Well, an attempt anyway)

A cloudburst caught Edward off-guard as he trudged down the darkened streets. He glanced up as if he didn't realize he was outside. He quickened his pace and finally rushed into a diner out of the rain. He sat in a booth looking out the window watching the rain.

"Hon, we closed an hour ago." The waitress stood at the end of the table with a rag in her hand. She stepped back when he looked up at her. "You look pale. Are you sick?" He wondered what he looked like in moments like this.

He hadn't eaten in three days and with his black hair and green eyes he looked all the more pale. "No, ma'am, just tired. Can I wait here til the rain slows up?"

"Sure, hon, want a cup of coffee? It's on me?" He shook his head and sighed.

"Thanks anyway." The waitress nodded and went back to cleaning the counter.

Edward listened to her as she cleaned, watching her reflection in the window. His mind wandered for a minute concentrating on the scratches in the glass. He looked down and noticed a crack. It streaked across the glass. It started from a spiderweb-shaped crack and extended to the next pane. He stared at it fascinated, not noticing the man across the street staring at him.

He looked up as the waitress rested a hand his shoulder. "Hon, I'm done. I would leave you here, but you being locked in this place overnight wouldn't go over well with my boss." He glanced up at her. "You really need to get some sleep, you look pretty sick."

He stood and nodded. He walked out of the diner stooped over, tired and hungry, but not wanting to eat now. Three days had passed since he had eaten and for three days he had a burning sensation in his mouth that made him too uncomfortable. He knew if he fed the burning sensation would be unbearable. He glanced across the street before he turned and continued down the block.

The man on the corner made a motion with his fingers, distending them oddly. He slowly followed Edward from the other side of the street. He glared at his back; concentrating. His pace matched Edward's. Every movement Edward made he would make. It was an odd dance of mirror movements.

Edward felt a strange pain in his temples and he fell to his knees in a pedestrian crosswalk. He cried out the pain growing, burning.

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Heh, I added more, but obviously it's not done

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~There are a great many people in the country today who, through no fault of their own, are sane.~
~Is that my hand in your pocket or am I just happy to see you?~
~You want me to dress up as Wonderwoman, tie you up in my golden lariat and make you tell the truth, don't you?~

[This message has been edited by Miral (edited April 08, 2000).]

[This message has been edited by Miral (edited April 08, 2000).]

[gollum]

>You probably can see their distinct personalities because I can feel them. They are almost real to me, so that probably helps a lot. <

that's the best kind, babe.

(oh yeah, and i dig this and wanna know more...damn, you guys are good at stringing me along

-g

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Sometimes i think everyone on this board is crazy. The rest of the time i'm sure.
-Dan

[Miral In A Tux]

Pushing it to the top with a bit more
There was more added to the epilogue if you missed it
This is more epilogue

His hands rushed to his head. He fought off another wave of pain, barely. He lay on the wet asphalt. He felt the other person before he saw or heard him. There was a familiarity about him.

The man bent down and rested his hand on his shoulder. Edward lay there shivering. The man's gruff voice broke the silence. "You have to get something for me. Something from Alaric."

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This dumb thing wouldn't let me post under Miral, Oh, well....I'll finish this later, I have to leave in 5!

[This message has been edited by Miral In A Tux (edited April 09, 2000).]

[This message has been edited by Miral In A Tux (edited April 15, 2000).]

[Miral]

Edward felt the pain subside. "What?" he gasped. "What?"
"Oh, something of great importance...something that I know he can't go without. A certain object. He has a canopic jar and I want it. And you, my fine fellow, will get it for me." He knelt beside him and grabbed him by the neck.